I am still thinking every so often-- this can't really be true. Then I shake my head to clear things out and it's still true.

Then today--I don't know if I can explain this--but even though he'd already dead I got a real huge panic attack when thinking of the burial. To put our Heath. Our Ennis! In the ground. Is really making me cry hard and my heart race. Sorry to be morbid but if this 'next' and 'final' part of this nightmare is doing this to me, what of his parents, sisters, Michelle, Jake.

And Jake. I keeping feeling so protective of him-- that he now carries our Brokeback Boy legacy--alone--on his young slim shoulders. I hope he has lots of people to hold him up. He is our only remaining Brokeback Boy, and that is...so sad.

When all the news of Heath leaves our TV, when Jake tries to mourn in private, and when I no longer see Heath and Jake gazing at me daily from my TV, this place will be my salvation to come and continue to live in our dreams of Jack and Ennis in love, and Jake and Heath if they were.

Thanks to all my friends here who understand our loss, and to all the authors who help me dream of our baby boys.